After over 8 years of providing therapy to college students, I have gathered a few takeaways that have helped guide some of my own parenting decisions and style.

A large percentage of the college students I’ve worked with have said they don’t tell their parents they are seeking therapy. There is a lot of variety in the reasons they give, but here are the two most frequent:

“I don’t want them to worry”

Many college students think that going to therapy will make their parents more worried about them than they should be. I usually hear a lot of guilt about “burdening” parents with whatever they are struggling with. These fears develop for a number of reasons, and I am confident that most of these parents would absolutely want to know what their kids are going through. My takeaway for my own parenting is that I need to work very hard to let my kids know that their big feelings are welcome, that their struggles don’t scare or burden me, and that there is nothing in the world they can say that is “too much” for me.

“They don’t believe in mental health”

I realize that not every family has mental health and feelings conversations on a regular basis. Many families don’t talk at all about emotions or normalize feelings while still caring for and validating their children. In my house, we talk about feelings so frequently that my oldest will sometimes tell me she is done talking about feelings for a bit. Not only do I ask about my kids’ feelings but I make sure to describe any struggles I am having and how I am working through them. I know that as a social worker mom, I am a bit extra about it, but I am glad to know I’ve started and normalized the conversations.

Part of why I became certified in Intuitive Eating Counseling, is because after learning how to eat intuitively and repairing my own relationship with food, I realized that disordered eating, exercise, and body image issues were incredibly prevalent in college students. Based on what many college students have said they heard growing up, I have become that much more conscientious about ensuring that I do my own part to help my kids develop a healthy relationship with food and movement as well as body neutrality:

In my house, we don’t diet or talk about going on diets in front of our kids. We don’t allow family members to do this either; when it can’t be avoided, we discuss what the kids might have heard that we don’t agree with. We don’t talk about BMI (or believe in its use) and our pediatrician is aware and respects this.

We never describe food as healthy vs. unhealthy, clean vs. processed, etc. All foods fit, so we don’t restrict any foods or put any foods on pedestals. We serve “dessert” with dinner and have no clean plate rules or “finish your veggies if you want some cookies.” It is amazing to see the variety of foods that a child asks for when they have access to the pantry.

It never ceases to frustrate me that college students are still getting warned about the “Freshman 15.” I’ve had kids come back from their first Thanksgiving since they started college having heard comments about how their bodies have or haven’t changed since they left. In our family, my partner and I do not comment on the appearance of bodies we encounter in person, on TV, or anywhere else. Kids will still be kids and ask questions or make comments, which we use as great learning opportunities to talk about the beautiful diversity of people’s bodies. 

I am not an expert in parenting by any means and the majority of the parents of these college students worked hard to be (and are) great parents. Most caregivers have experiences that shape the way they parent and the choices they make, and these are some of mine. I joke frequently that I wonder what things I do or say will be the topic of my own kids’ future therapy sessions. We will see soon enough, but hopefully none of the above!